Ohh … what a simply glorious day I’ve had today! Oh? You say … sounding curious?  (Ok maybe you didn’t, but you’re stuck playing along with me anyway unless you clicked close already, so I shall just get on with my little exuberant meandering with outbursts of glee and mirth!) 

Ok, so just what made it such a truly spectacular day, you are now no doubt wondering. Well I am glad you ask and I will tell you but need to warn you .. it may take awhile.   The short version is: “I simply stopped and noticed again how deeply blessed I truly am, and in so many ways! And not just once but ALL Damn Day!!! So much so that I can scarely know where to begin!!

First let me say, I barely slept a wink last night (which may explain the sleep deprived nature of tonight’s blog offering).  Be that as it may, last night, my long (20 years or so) dearly departed poetic Muse showed up quite unexpectedly and basically demanded to have her say. The Nerve! That bitch just wouldn’t go away!! I birthed several different drafts tween 2 and 6 am  (interspersed with bouts of senseless tossing and turning).  Two of them I am more than just a bit delighted with, and perhaps I will share one here soon.  But then, when that was done, I was so pumped and primed (and dare I say a bit turned on) that I could not easily find slumber.

So I read for awhile about courtesans, and lust and longing.  And I savoursed the “want” as a sweet sort of bliss all its own as I lay there hungry, turning each exquisite page. See, I have learned that sometimes it is the unfed desire that is the sweetest to embrace and taste. Later on this morning in fact, I shared a  rather sexy call with a special friend. A man for whom I openly and boldly lust, for he does not let me call his shots.  I am sooo not in control of him or anything even remotely resembling his dang shots in fact, that I have begged him to use me in the substantial heat of some quite exquisite moments  and he has consistantly kept me wanting. But oohh how I love to suffer in bondage for that sweet sadist!  Last night / this morning, as I penned one of those two poems for him the knowledge bloomed in me, that his unrequited lust and hunger drive me delightfully dizzy. (yeah yeah OK even more than usual).  

See, (let me try to explain this briefly at the risk of wandering way off topic) I learned at a very early age that it is the girl who knows if he’ll get laid  or not (baring date rape scenarios, too much booze or equally bad lapses in judgement).  Men NEVER say no to sex.  PERIOD.  Write it down and file it away as Gospel. Well, umm Ok, let’s say the VAST majority of healthy adult men not wrestling with morality, marriage or chastity issues would not say no to sex with a vibrant sexy (or so I still like to believe) wet and not just compliant but pleading woman.  And yet, he has, repeatedly.  <long incredulous pause>   This totally makes me nucking futz!!  And I simply adore him for it!   That and he is the most exquisitly sexy artist who has ever laid rope upon my flesh.  (insert growly, snarling feral sounds here) And of course I want what I know I may not ever have. Blah blah blah Boo h00!

Ok .. so let’s get back to finding the exquisite joy and abundantly blessed part of all this horniness and doubt.  We have established that he’s frigging hot and that he sure as hell knows how to get and keep me hot on a consistant basis, so there is this pure almost crystaline experience of lust and longing that he has been providing me  for the slightly more than 2 years I’ve known him. How rare a jewel is that?!  All that sweet hormonal soup that provides the new relationship rush like a drug,  generally wears off in fairly short order. We see each other infrequently enough that it has been kept not just on tap but on a slow simmer.  I still get giddy as a school girl around this man and it takes me hours and several shopping trips to plan for a warddrobe that I will still be fretting about the morning he hops the train north. I, who is used to being the one in control, lose every semblence there of not just while he’s with me.. but throughout the prepping stages. He pops me into a tailspin from the moment we set a date and I did I mention that I totally adore him for it!!

Heavens above!! To be all consumed with that sort of passion and desire .. HELL ANY sort of PASSION & DESIRE  is an AMAZING & WONDERFUL  when you’re in it!! But wait!  It gets better!  Because I can dive as deeply into that insane whirling,  feminine insecurity storm as I desire, with out the fear of abandonment or loss, that causes us so often to gaurd our hearts or hold ourselves back from expressing the sweet transparency of the moment.  I can be as utterly bare and honest as I have ever been to another human being and just ride out the emotional chaos that ensues. <grin>  I don’t have to feign composure. Snort! I couldn’t if I tried! Nor would I want him to miss the opportunity to exploit my vulnerable side.  (I don’t offer that side of me to many by the way. Nuff said!)  So where was I .. ohh yes .. on that distinctly electrifying thrill of the roller coaster ride without a real fear of falling from grace.  I know I shall always call him friend, perhaps lover as well,  so there is nothing we can lose.  🙂

Oh and have I mentioned lately that I’m madly in love with My Brett, who is the answer to the deepest wish my thrill seeking heart could make… the safe harbor it calls home. The one that truly knows me and loves me in spite of myself. 😀 I love him more than any man I have ever known and pray I never give him cause to doubt it because I feel amazingly lucky  that he is so understanding and allows me the opportunity to ride roller coasters with Mac but come home to him at night. 🙂  He is my Prince Charming! The one that I am so in love with and who meets all my needs for affection, emotional security and so much more.  That and ohhh my God how that guy makes me laugh!  😀 I truly am able to have my cake and eat it too!   Ohhh my, so off track .. but then not really, for I am still listing my blessings of which he is no small part! 

So I think where I want to bring this next is to say that I feel there is the potential for joy in so many more moments than we ever allow ourselves.  When I am “awake”(*see below) I can find satisfaction, sometimes even bliss both in the “craving, want or desire” as well as the lack there of.  I can close my eyes and be carried away on the rapture of desiring something so much in the moment that it doesn’t matter really whether I get it or not since I am relishing the joyful feelings the desire brings me just the same!   Does that make any sense at all? Heck, sometimes the dream actually turns out to be better than reality anyway. No one can choreograph it exactly the same as you – bliss!  🙂

One more fast example – A random peak experience from my files – I remember vividly even though it several years ago; me on the back of a “cool” bike, with my arms wrapped around someone I care for very much. We took twisty back roads on a perfect summer day and I experienced the ride in a way I never could in a car;  the smell of cut grass, and bar be ques, kids playing in the yard, or pool, clips from favorite summer songs, the sunlight through the trees, my shadow on the ground beside me, the warm sun on my back, cool breeze on my face and in my hair.  I clamped my thighs tightly and closed my eyes .. holding my arms out to the sides and I swear.. I flew for a long while. 

Ohh and by the way, that could have been any road, anywhere in the world, Paris, or Athens or Tahiti or any other place I could possibly dream of going.  I could have been rich and on an expensive cruiseship sailing the caribean to my own private island and I do not think I could have felt any more “blissed out” than I was on the back of that bike experiencing summer with all of those people that we passed that day.  I like just finding bliss like that  because I didn’t have to cut the grass, or eat the ribs  to have enjoyed them!  I really like recreating it too because even now years later, if I close my eyes, my mouth could water at the memory, so I can enjoy it again and again. Rapture is a place worth visiting often trust me. 😉

But then there are the “ah ha!”  thunderbolt moments when I look around and realize that I have everything I really need right this moment to simply be filled with bliss.  Self actualized bliss in fact!  (Ok that rarely lasts for long because the gremlins or some other pressing real world matter crawl in and demands attention) but even if only for a few moments at a time I love to find those simple quiet blisses that can come when you recognize the simple abscence of desire. Some folks believe that desire is the root of all suffering.  Ok maybe, but, I am also one of those sick phreaks that sometimes finds bliss by embracing suffering, (and staying horny), so what do I know?  😉

Hmm, I know how easy it is sometimes to let “want” stand in the way of simply allowing happy. Our society promotes, the constant need to feed, consume, have, buy, collect, improve!  And when we don’t we digress in stress, and fret about bills, or bosses, ex wives, politics, world wars,  our weight, hair loss, insert your brand of constant misery here.  I have a mile long list myself but the truth be told more often than not, worrying will not actually do anything to help.  Devising a plan and taking specific action might perhaps, if the Universe and circumstances allow… but actually just sitting and worrying.. not so much. 

But how many times a day can you check inside and say, “right now, in this very moment, there is nothing that I NEED that I do not already have to simply be content?”.  Happy is not a far reach from there, I find that sometimes if I am quiet I can simply allow the flow. 

Like now for instance. I am warm and fed and not awfully sick for the first time in days! I have a cup of warm tea beside me, my favorite jammies on my butt and a cat purring against my leg.  Most of my bills are paid but even if they weren’t I have all I truly need at the moment, an operational flush toilet in the house, and enough juice to run my laptop (I guess the internet connection isn’t too bad either in case I want to actually finish and post this at some point).  Ohh and I have some amazing tunes playing in the back ground as I am contentedly pouring out my thoughts to the one person who has stuck with me through all of this (who ever you are).  <grin> Doesn’t matter really, because I know that I am truly loved by at least a few people, (myself even some days).  😀 And most days I truly love my life. and especially right now, in this very moment. There is not one damn thing that I need to feel … (wait .. slight position change.. ahh) … better than I feel right now.  And I think that the more often I consciously allow these moments just to be perfect as they are.. the happier I will ever be. Yeah yeah.. I know that is ohh so frigging Polly Anna! But it is working like mad for me tonight and I had many of those moments today… even though it was really just an ordinary day. 

I hope you find that too … that ordinary sort of bliss… and on that note .. I shall bid you sweet dreams.

(*) “awake” as opposed to asleep of course for those who missed my sleep deprived reference: