Safety Guidelines

Safety in BDSM, as in any relationship, is important right from the “getting to know you” stage. Most of us have read and/or heard of incidents involving people who have behaved in dishonest, abusive and/or irresponsible ways towards their partners. Unfortunately, such people may be skilled and charming enough to hide their inclinations until well after the submissive is “hooked.” I do not wish to scare anyone but we must face facts, you could at the very least, get hurt either emotionally or physically, or at worse killed. Therefore, it is wise to be cautious. We’re providing you with some basic information that may prove helpful.

A. Getting to Know Them

Each BDSM relationship is based on the individuals involved, but the key and essential element in all relationships must be honesty, that in turn enables the trust to develop. Misrepresentation of who you are, what you are looking for and what you can and cannot offer causes a lot of the hurt and problems. Suggested questions to ask yourself an

d those you meet On-line, in IMs, E-Mail or in real life may include:

Do you want… Strictly cyber / Cyber and phone / Real person-to-person / Cyber phone and real life / Monogamous relationship / Short affair, session only relationship. Is geographical distance a factor? Is marital status a concern?

Unfortunately, remember that the person you are talking to could easily be deceiving you in any of these areas. Try and keep your emotions in check until you can readily prove that the person is being straight. I love the expression “Trust but verify”.  How that occurs is purely up to each individual but the agreed consensus is to go slow and take as much time as you need to feel comfortable.  Not to be overly dramatic but your life could depend on it. This is a major concern with people you have met On-line but should be considered for all you meet.

Ask a lot of questions–and write down or remember the answers. Compare the answers with what the person has said at other times. Watch for inconsistencies. If a Dominant tells you he/she is experienced, don’t be afraid to check it out. Some Dominants will refer you to their former partners or to other friends in the BDSM scene. Question prospective Dominants about various techniques (this can be done subtly–you needn’t come across like an inquisitor).

There’s nothing wrong with inexperience if it is combined
with a commitment to safe and responsible BDSM. But an inexperienced Dominant should be able to convince you that they are taking steps to learn the basics before they ever lay hand on you. No matter how eager you are to get into a BDSM relationship (and most of us were very eager at the start (because often we’ve secretly yearned for this all our lives) it’s a good idea to move slowly. You simply don’t HAVE to start following cyber orders from commanding would-be Dom/mes, even if you long to do so. If something the dominant asks you to do makes you feel queasy in the moment or afterward trust the feeling! Don’t automatically trust the Dom/me.  Don’t do what he/she tells you simply BECAUSE he/she tells you, wait until he/she has earned your trust and respect by displaying significant evidence of his/her caring, responsibility, humanity, and sincerity.

Declaring yourself to be a Dominant does not give you the
right to order submissives around, treat them disrespectfully, or otherwise be insulting, crass or offensive. Declaring yourself to be a submissive does not mean that you must automatically defer to anyone who declares themselves to be a Dom/me, obey
orders, address them by some particular honorific or title
or restrict your chatting and/or correspondence with anybody else. Above all else remember that whether you identify as Dom/me or sub,  you are a human first and therefore have rights as such (and of course responsibilities).

Couples who get together may indeed negotiate any or all of the above behaviors and have lots of fun performing them IF both partners agree and give their mutual consent.

B. Moving Ahead

1. Telephone – Be cautious giving out your phone number to those you meet On-line. There are often ways to find names and addresses strictly with a phone number thanks to Google and even many caller ID services. Many people use burner phones these days for dating so having their number doesn’t necessarily afford you any protection. Do not let your interest in BDSM overrule your common sense.
2. Meetings – Assuming you have chatted, corresponded and /or spoken on the phone until you feel comfortable, what is the next safe step? If you’re going to meet, meet in a public place, like a restaurant, bar or a shopping mall. Meeting for a “coffee” at a place convenient to you both is a good plan. If you hit if off and there is chemistry you can stay for a meal, if not, you can politely get up and leave. The first meeting is when you should let your instincts have full play. You can tell a lot about a person from looking into their eyes, watching their gestures, noting how courteously they treat you.

Some suggested guidelines before meeting a new potential play partner:

• Ask for references, people they have actually met that can vouch for them, former partners, friends, several if possible even they only met for a cup of coffee.
• The first meeting should be in a public place. If flying from out of town, make hotel reservations and take a taxi.  Never plan to stay at their home the first time you meet.
• Set-up a Safety System that works for you. An example of this that is commonly suggested is to provide a close friend of yours, and/or someone that you trust, who knows about your activities,  with the name, address, number and any other vital information about the person you are going to meet, before going to meet your new partner. Tell your “safety” where you will be and have a pre set time that you are supposed to call to let them know that you are all right. If you do not call, your safety is to assume you are in trouble and notify the authorities. Tell your partner that you have a safety and DO NOT forget to call!! This is a serious matter and should not be taken lightly by any of the persons involved. If you are meeting for an extended weekend it may be wise to have two or more times to “check in” or more than one safety.
• If possible have a chaperon with you, or meet in a group setting (play party, munch etc) Trust your instincts, if something does not feel right, do not be alone with the person. Do not worry about hurting their feelings or wasting money. Better safe than sorry.

C. First Play Encounter

If the first meeting goes well and you decide to get together
again for BDSM play, it’s a good idea to make sure you know
each other well enough to be communicating frankly and openly
about your erotic dreams and fantasies. The Dominant partner
needs to know what arouses the submissive…and what frightens
her/him, so he/she can emphasize the one and avoid the other.
Just some helpful recommendations:

1. Mild/light or no bondage is recommended during a first
   encounter. Take your time in allowing the trust to build to
   this level. Being bound and helpless is a dangerous time to
   find out that your partner is not the person you thought they
   were.
2. Many Dominants and submissives insist on using their own BDSM toys and implements (whips, paddles, canes, vibrators, nipple clamps etc.) They prefer not to be exposed to toys that have been used on others, especially since some toys and materials are difficult to clean and disinfect. We are each responsible for our own health and well-being, and being erotically submissive does not alter this. There are now plenty of sources for toys (see my Links pages for some good ones), so have fun stocking your own “toy box.”
3. Always choose and tell the Dom/me your safe word. If s/he doesn’t feel one is necessary even though you ask for one, then you may want to re-think if this is the right person to be with. They should be striving to build trust and make you feel comfortable. Remember though that a safe word is no guarantee that they will stop. Know the person well before it gets to this point.
4. Should you decide to include sex in BDSM play always use protection (as you would in any relationship). Such protection should include a latex condom. Most other safety considerations pale in comparison to the simple need to protect yourself from STDs, particularly AIDS. Latex condoms are strongly urged if you intend to engage in genital sex, including any kind of oral (or a dental dam) or anal penetration. Latex gloves are suggested for digital play, particularly fisting. Contact with all body fluids, including menstrual blood, is considered high risk behavior. This is NOT an area where a submissive should back down because of a partner’s “Dominance.” Please be safe and learn all you can about STDs

D. Miscellaneous Tips

1. Never let anyone isolate you from your friends and family and information available on BDSM or safer sex. Someone who cares about you should want and encourage you to learn and grow.
2. Never let someone tell you that their form of BDSM is the only one. (Again this includes us! What we write here and may tell you should you meet us or find us in a chat room is only our opinions and our ideas of what BDSM is) Nobody should tell you that not agreeing with them makes you a bad submissive or a bad Dom/me. Intimidation, threats, isolation are not signs of an emotionally stable person and you should think hard about getting involved in a BDSM relationship with someone who is not emotionally stable. Your self-esteem should always remain high in any relationship, including in BDSM.3.
3. Strive to find a person who you are compatible with, watch, learn and listen to what the other has to say. There are no absolute rules in BDSM and you can, at anytime, for any reason, withdraw your consent. You do not have to be released by the other. This is still a free country and if it doesn’t feel right… don’t do it. The words safe, sane and consensual have a very important meaning to those involved in this lifestyle, (as do Honesty, Trust, and Respect).

You are entering a thrilling and delightful world, so play safe and have fun!! Good Luck to you and enjoy!

Best Wishes!
Suzanne SxySadist