(This is the handout information from a class I taught at many events.  I hope you find it interesting / helpful.)

Most of us want our BDSM experiences to be so much more than simply “play” but often find that some experiences are far more rewarding than others for a variety of reasons. The scenes I find most enjoyable have an almost magical & spiritual quality to them, where time seems to stand still and nothing else matters for awhile except what we are sharing together.

I feel that the qualities & elements that are essential to a great play experience almost always involve a commitment to have both partners’ desires and needs be met through shared intention, and a deep sense of connection to one another & the shared journey.

Intention and its many levels –

• Overall intention – What drives you to do what you do, not just on the scene level but what is it that truly calls you to the lifestyle in the first place? Is it a selfish or humanitarian desire that you wish to meet? Do you have a need to serve or to control? Your overall intention will shape and influence how you interact with your play partners and others in the lifestyle.
• Intention toward your partner – What is your intention toward the person with whom you are playing and do you know their intention towards you? Is it someone brand new, a casual play partner, or someone you care deeply about? This will often affect how well you express your inner self and what the scene will entail. Trust is a big factor for both top & bottom and trust often comes with really knowing your partner’s intention.
• Individual scene intention – Think about what you want from this scene, and why.  Also, what are you offering to your partner? Understanding your desires as well as the desires of your partner and setting an intention can give your scene a deeper purpose.

Consider truthfully and openly communicating your intentions to your partner. Shared intention empowers all involved to contribute toward its realization, and ensures that both parties desire the same outcome. While an unknown or secret intention can be a great source of surprise & fun, it can also lead to misunderstanding and confusion.  Knowing your partner well helps you to decide the level to which you should share your intention.

Matching your intention to your partner’s –

When negotiating a scene, it is helpful to first establish whether you and your potential play partner are, or could become compatible playmates.

For example: not all submissive’s enjoy enduring pain, some just like to be of service. So if you are a sadist and s/he isn’t into pain, it is likely that one of you is not going to be happy or get your needs met. Also, if you are a masochist with very specific likes & dislikes and your dominant sadist partner wants to do what s/he wants to do regardless of what you enjoy most, then you will probably not be satisfied either.

It is also good to remember that our moods, desires & needs can fluctuate from day to day. So it is always wise to check in with your partner to see where you both are today and what will meet both of your needs.

The following charts illustrate this concept.  It can be very useful in determining whether or not you will be a good match to play on any given day.  It is especially useful when playing with a new partner to aid in clarifying negotiations.

Midori’s “Beyond Twisted” Chart
S E N S A T I O N	CONTROL
		Neutral	Dominant	Submissive
	None	Vanilla or  “Night Off”	Service – Receiving Dominant	Service – Oriented Submissive
	Sadist	Egalitarian Sadist	Dominant Sadist	Service Oriented Sadist
	Masochist	Egalitarian Masochist	Dominant Masochist	Submissive Masochist

Please Note – The above chart is based on the one created by Fetish Diva Midori for her “Beyond Twisted” class and used with permission. For more information on these relational dynamics I highly recommend this very informative and fascinating class (or any class that she does!) Please visit her website listed under Resources at the end.

 Masculine vs. Feminine Energy

Another concept I have found fascinating in helping to understand the dynamics of polarity and attraction between play partners comes from the Taoist philosophy of Yin / yang which tells us that everything in the universe is made up of complimentary yet opposing forces that are defined in relationship to its “partner”.

Ying / yang pairs such as hot and cold are very subjective when you consider that 65 degrees is quite a bit warmer than freezing but much cooler compared to boiling.  When considering masculine and feminine as a yin / yang pairing, the terms do not refer to gender as much as they denote energetic essence.  Individuals of both genders have with in them both masculine and feminine qualities to one degree or another, but at our sexual core most of us are far more one or the other.

Qualities that are generally thought of to be masculine in nature are: dominance, aggressiveness, the ability to focus on a task to completion,  Either gender can develop or call forth the energetic qualities of their compliment depending on the circumstance or with whom you are interacting. Many of us do this unconsciously all the time, but I find that it can be very helpful to understand what signals you are putting out when trying to attract what it is you want in your life since opposites do tend to attract. If you tend to be very dominant at work but prefer that your partner “lead the dance” at home, then it may be helpful for you to learn to drop out of your “yang” space and into the yin en route. One way to do that may be to have a mental ritual that you use when preparing for a scene.

 The use of Ritual & Mindful Intention –

Many of us use all sorts of rituals in our lives with out even realizing it. Things we do the same way each day without ever thinking of it.  For me, doing something with mind full intention turns an every day act into a special or sacred ritual and that can help create and even more magical connection for you & your partner.

Some ways I use ritual and mindful intention are:

• Preparing physically and mentally for the scene – Get grounded & centered before a scene, and be “fully present”. Clear your mind of outside distractions and focus your energy.
• Preparing & holding sacred space – light candles, pick special music, turn off the phone, get your toys set up, think about aftercare before hand. Have every thing ready that you will need so that you don’t have to break the scene & the mood to get them. (water, snack, blanket, etc)
• Connecting with my partner before we begin
• “Body Prayer” – a dedication / offering of energy & intention

It’s all about Connection – 

Connection builds respect, trust, and a shared sense of purpose and interest in the outcome. It also builds desire: to endure, to serve, to be the “giver” (top or bottom).

Even if there isn’t a deep love connection between you & your partner you can still have connected & meaningful play. If there is any doubt or if you are with a new partner, let them know that they are treasured and that you want them to be happy and to satisfy their needs. Also be sure that they know you appreciate the part they play and the effort they are putting into the scene. (This goes for tops & bottoms!)

Try to establish and maintain an energetic and spiritual connection throughout a scene by using shared breath, eye contact, touch and verbal check ins.  I find that if a partner truly feels cared for, appreciated and connected to you, they will almost always be willing to give or take much more and stay with you to unfold a more beautiful scene.

Body Language can be an important key!

One of the most important ways I stay connected as a top is by watching my bottom’s body language very carefully, listening to the way they are breathing, and trying my best to pay attention to any other signals they are sending me throughout the scene.

I feel that tops who learn to read these signals as they are sent, have a greater chance of “controlling the roller coaster” and not having the ride end prematurely with a safe word.

When I am topping, I rarely rely on safe words to tell me when my bottom is in trouble since I have found that body language is infinitely more helpful in telling me how my bottom is doing, and whether they are enjoying, or at least how well they are enduring, our play.

I am not suggesting everyone do away with safe words since they can be vital if you:

• have a bottom that is very unexpressive physically,
• a top that is not familiar with reading non verbal signals
• or find yourself in a space or doing a particular scene that makes reading and sending signals difficult or impossible.

Experiential Connection & Breath Exercises –

• Partner up and place one hand over each other’s hearts; look deeply into each other’s eyes with a soft gaze, and breathe in and out together. Pay attention to how this makes you feel inside. Practice expressing yourself with your eyes.  Notice how your partner responds.
• Verbally share an intention with your partner. Does this make you feel vulnerable, empowered, something else?
• Practice giving and receiving touch while synchronizing breath. Neck & shoulder massages etc.  Are you more comfortable giving or receiving? Ask yourself why
• Touch your partner in a place they are comfortable with and see if you can feel the energy in their body. Pull you hand back a little and see if you can still feel it. Sometimes this takes some practice as we are not all innately attuned to reading energy but it can be developed with time & patience.
• Stand back to back and breathe together as you support each other’s weight.  After awhile separate and move away very slowly until you can no longer feel your partner’s presence. You may be quite surprised how much distance is required to break the connection. J

A little bit about Breath –

In this expanded version of Intention, Connection & Breath I have placed the emphasis on Conscious Breathing in the second half of this class / workshop: Ecstatic Breathing or Ecstatic Percussion Play, but for those who will not be coming back for the second half I will simply say that I have found that the mindful use of breath has transformed almost every aspect of my place and intimate sexual relations.

As a top it has enabled me to connect far more deeply with the people I play with and as a bottom I have learned to access endorphin highs far more quickly and easily than ever before. The key to pain management thru breath is to build slowly over time while timing the heavier strokes with the “out” breath.

Sexually speaking the use of breath has allowed me to have more powerful and mind blowing orgasms and has helped me to teach men to have full body orgasms with out ejaculating. (Yes, that really is possible.) Breath Orgasms can be obtained through the use of breath rituals and a practice known as the “Big Draw”, which I will demonstrate and lead people through in the next class.  This technique is great at the pinnacle of a scene or sex.

Resources & Links

Body Electric – is a school of the healing arts committed to helping people experience their potential as healers of self and others through touch, conscious breath, and honoring the wisdom of the body. Body Electric recognizes the holistic connections between mind, body, and spirit and offers opportunities to explore those connections in safe and supportive environments. Body Electric is committed to exploring the healing potential of erotic energy and recognizes the body’s wisdom as ancient, sacred, playful and profound. Body Electric is a school where all sexual orientations are celebrated and all spiritual paths are honored. Please visit their site for more info – www.thebodyelectricschool.org

This handout took me quite some time, effort and love to prepare. Please do not duplicate, copy, repost or otherwise “rip it off” without my permission. Thanks!    

Download a PDF of this Class Handout here

Copyright SMAntics 2017 / All rights reserved / Suzanne SxySadist Email: Mistress@SxySadist.com